Monthly Archives: June 2016

Falling and staying in love

Below is an excerpt from The Two-Minute Marriage Project, a book I wrote about staying in love over the long haul. It’s a topic I’ve thought a lot about in order to find the secret of a lasting, fulfilling marriage. Here’s what I found it comes down to, from social scientists, personal experience, and interviews with happily married couples: the little things. Over the next few weeks I’d like to include excerpts here on what I found. For today, a bit of background on love:

Right now in the United States there are 60 million married couples. We still love and believe in marriage. We love marriage so much that we fight over how to define it and exactly who can do it. But marriage today, by most accounts, is not thriving. Experts calculate that only about 40 to 50 percent of married couples stay together. People quit their marriages every day, and here’s the sad thing: The majority of people who quit simply fell out of love. As author Pamela Haag reports in the book Marriage Confidential, more than half the couples who divorce had a relationship that was “amiable but listless.” Basically, they just didn’t thrive. According to studies on couples who divorce, the vast majority of people who end their relationship report that they simply lost a sense of closeness and did not feel loved or appreciated (as reported in Gottman, 2000 The Timing of Divorce). 

Even many couples who stay together aren’t fulfilled in their marriages. Of the couples who do stay married, according to a group of marriage researchers at the University of Denver, only half are actually happy. (Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg,

What is going on? Most people, at least in the western world, marry because they are in love. But that wasn’t always the case. For thousands of years, marriage wasn’t about love or personal satisfaction. Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz reports in her book Marriage, a History, that marrying for love didn’t come about until the late 18th century with the Enlightenment focus on individual rights. Before then, most marriages were arranged by outside influences who would be positively affected by the union. Something as important as marriage couldn’t be based on “something as unreasoning and transitory as love” (p. 5). Yet during the Enlightenment, a marriage revolution began to occur. We started seeing marriage as what it could be–a private relationship with the potential to provide great happiness for the couple, regardless of family wealth or political alliances (New York: Viking, 2005).

Staying in love

So we came along way as a society. We decided that it should be in our control as individuals to choose who we marry, and that we should do it primarily for our own happiness and not for the betterment of our relatives. We decided that marriage could be our greatest human relationship and the source of our deepest satisfaction in life. Yet, as Coontz reports, “the very features that promised to make marriage such a unique and treasured personal relationship opened the way for it to become an optional and fragile one.” (p. 5). Marriages are breaking apart because people are falling out of love. We aren’t staying in the same state we were in before, and that scares people. As George Bernard Shaw humorously pointed out, marriage brings together two people “under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions. They are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausromanceting condition continuously until death do them part.” (Quoted in John Jacobs, All You Need Is Love and Other Lies About Marriage, New York: HarperCollins, 2004 p. 9).

We “fall” in love–suggesting something outside of our control. Our brain is malfunctioning, to a degree. Staying in love–now that’s something we have some control over. It isn’t easy. Over the years, as a culture, we have lost some of the glue that helped couples stick together. As John Jacobs, professor at NYU’s School of Medicine, has written, some of the martial glue that helped keep couples together from the past is now largely irrelevant. The glue of women’s financial dependency, the belief that happiness is rare or unnecessary, prevailing religious dogma, and legal constraints are all gone. The only glue holding couples together now “is the glue created by the two of you–the glue of mutual satisfaction, gratification, appreciation, and respect. The glue of mature love.” (All You Need Is Love and other lies about marriage.)

We simply cannot forget to show love and affection to our spouse every day. As Dr. Jacobs declares, one of the greatest threats to a marriage relationship is complacency.  “If you want your marriage to survive,” Jacobs writes, “you must actively cherish your spouse and protect your relationship” (Jacobs, 234). Staying in love isn’t as easy or effortless as falling in love. It takes time, attention, and deliberate effort. But if we do it right, our marriage relationship can provide the same tingles and excitement as it did when we first came together as partners, soul mates, and best friends. Indeed, if we do it right, and if we do it consistently, staying in love can be the happiest, most fulfilling part of our lives. The trick is to do that even while living in a chaotic modern world. 

More to come…

Temple Walk

A few month ago, the Young Women in our neighborhood ward went on a walk from the Draper Temple to the Salt Lake Temple in honor of stone mason John Rowe Moyle. Moyle walked those 22 miles every day, every week for years to work on the Salt Lake Temple. He even did it with a wooden leg for several years after an accident with a cow necessitated an amputation. The man’s spirit, courage, and dedication is unmatched in my mind.

After their journey, the Young Women’s president Jen Wilhite shared her testimony about the experience in church. Our 10-year-old son Zach was listening. Afterward, he said to Scott, “I want to do that too.”

My husband is not one who says no, especially not to amazing and challenging opportunities. So, he told Zach they would plan for it. Before we knew it, Zach was recruiting his friends to join him. Not many wanted to take on the challenge, but Zach found two friends who would.

Last Friday, Zach and these two other boys along with their dads did the walk. They started at 6 a.m. and walked all day. They had a few scheduled stops, three of which included a little parent presentation on an inspiring person. We figured that the boys would have a lot of time to think, and might need some pep talks, so we tried to inspire them with people who had succeeded in getting through their life challenges. I shared the story of Nelson Mandela, my friend Mariah shared the story of Mariatu Kamara who lost her hands in the civil war in Sierra Leone, and another friend, Anthony, taught about Mother Teresa. 13418736_10154239159024254_6126387665414988282_n

My other kids and I planned to arrive at the temple a little before the boys, but they made such good time we were caught off guard.  We were riding ponies at This is the Place Heritage Park when I got the text that they would arrive between 4 and 4:30 p.m. I expected them there at 6! So we packed up and booked it downtown, hoping to beat them. 13435496_10154239159399254_8006715581788676638_nWe actually passed them walking on South Temple so we hooted and honked and hollered, then looked for a quick place to park. I found a 5-minute spot and we spilled out of the car with our “You Did It!” poster in tow right as they walked up to the temple gates. They had made it! The boys collapsed on the grass, exhausted.

I hoped the lesson of perseverance had sunk in, hoped that the boys would remember this the next time they had a challenge. I didn’t have to wonder long. The next morning, our family was one of the families assigned to clean the church building at 8 a.m. I woke Zach up and he resisted, saying “I can barely walk!” I finally was able to motivate him to get his shoes on and make his way to the car, saying something like, “I bet John Rowe Moyle didn’t wake up thinking, ‘Yes, I get to walk 22 miles on my wooden leg today!.'” Zach paused for a minute and then said, “You’re right. He probably didn’t want to all of the time. But he knIMG_0815ew it was important. So he did it.” Then Zach got in the car.

We all have challenges in our life, whether that’s trying to heal after losing a loved one, fighting depression, staying awake all night for weeks with a colicky baby, being stuck in a job we despise, or inescapable physical pain. I suppose part of life is simply the struggle to overcome the hard stuff. I don’t think those experiences are meant to make us miserable. They are meant to make uIMG_0812s strong. The next time I am faced with something hard, I’m going to think of John Rowe Moyle, and of my 10-year-old son who wanted the challenge so he could see how strong he really is.

How You Can Keep Your Marriage Fun and Exciting While Caring For Your Kids, Advancing Your Careers and Managing Daily Life

Below is a guest post by marriage therapist Waverly Hanson on keeping marriage fun. This is relevant to my research into the little things couples can do to keep the love alive in their marriage over the long haul. Happy reading!

How You Can Keep Your Marriage Fun and Exciting While Caring For Your Kids, Advancing Your Careers and Managing Daily Life

Marriage is an opportunity for you to commit to spending the rest of your life with another person whom you love and respect. Often, the first year or two of marriage is filled with excitement. However, once children enter the picture, it can alter the scene dramatically. Instead of two, you are now three or more. This does not mean the end of your status as a couple unless you allow it to.

Unfortunately, many couples become so caught up in raising children and bucking for promotions at work that they forget to prioritize their relationship, taking it for granted. However, without intentional nursing, you will grow apart. You both need to reaffirm your love and relationship as an entity separate from, and a part of, your family.

Some people have a difficult time doing this because they believe or are told such behavior is selfish. Quite the opposite is actually the truth. You see, if you have the love and support of each other when troubles arise, you will be able to handle them more readily. So, you will actually be better, not worse, parents.

When you have younger children, you will need to plan for a babysitter for those occasions where you want to leave the home. Hire someone with impeccable references and CPR training for infants and children.

If you have friends with little kids as well, you may want to swap watching them on the weekends. One couple could go out Friday and the other Saturday. You could also plan for alternating weekends.

Plan for fun activities that you can do at home in addition to going out on a regular basis. Naturally, the frequency of your outings can depend on many external factors, and leaving home to have some adult only fun may not always be an option. Also, it can become expensive.

You may be able to arrange for the kids to spend the night with grandparents or other relatives so you two can have the house to yourselves. If this is not an option and your kids have friends with whom they spend the night, try to coordinate a night where they are all at someone else’s house.

When going out, sometimes keeping things simple is best. Take walks in the park or along the beach like you did when dating. Play a round of miniature golf, or visit an arcade while you are out. Stop and get some ice cream or frozen yogurt. Planning a fun, teenager style date might even include “parking” somewhere and making out before going home. Just make sure you don’t break any indecent exposure laws!

Another inexpensive idea is to order some pizza and watch movies together. Each of you can pick a movie and the toppings for your half of the pizza. Women can wear one of his large t-shirts and snuggle on the couch during the latest action flick or whatever else has been chosen. The point is to enjoy the time together, not to focus on getting your way or only watching movies you like.

In fact, you can plan dates where you focus upon a particular like, taking turns to keep it fair. Technology should be turned off, snacks available and questions asked. For instance, you may give him a lesson in crafting with clay, explaining the various nuances and why it matters to you. In turn, enthusiastically listen and respond as he teaches you about the intricacies of hockey. While you may not convert each other into being fans, you will learn more about each other and grow closer as a result.

You can also leave sexy notes for each other, learn about sexting and have a quickie once in a while. Buy some inexpensive dice for romantic play or a similarly themed game. Go on a picnic together, have a couples massage or any other activity that will be enjoyable. Make sure to get in plenty of laughter-inducing choices.

Talk to your spouse now about planning some special time together!

About the Author

Waverly Hanson is the best-selling author of “How to Divorce-Proof Your Marriage” available on Amazon in print and Kindle formats. She has been assisting individuals and couples with relationship and life transformations for more than 25 years as a therapist, counselor, coach and consultant.  Visit her website <a href=””> </a> to learn more.